why? how? why? but I guess I don’t need to know

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source: popperpengoo-blog

In a very short slumber I experienced before my sister abruptly woke me up, you showed up again in my subconsciousness. I found myself being kind of entranced, not fully digesting my sister’s words about something that somewhat felt so important to me. All the while I also tried to block what she said off my ears in order for me to be able to relieve these misty visions, which I know are unreal.

As my sister annoyingly (even though not purposefully) is having her computer play some loud videos with catchy jingles, my dad snoring in the background, and my little brother coming into our room for reasons that I don’t know, I am trying my best not to forget the expressions etched on your unchanged all-the-familiar face when our eyes met in that dream.

I had just been sneaking and trying to find the exit, with my hall being aggravatingly like a maze it was even as crazy in the dream, until I got found out by my little brother. Since I did all the sneaky act to avoid him, I found no reason to do that anymore and thus I casually went out, as my little brother revealed to me that there were people visiting the hall.

Some familiar faces went past me as I walked to the exit, but I didn’t really heed much of it and without replying to what my brother had just exclaimed, I strolled out of the hall, going downhill to the part outside of the East Wing towards the hall foyer. But as usual, my dream mechanisms morphed the places that I knew to a somewhat-familiar-but-different environment –– this intersection between the East Wing and the foyer suddenly became all too similar to the parking lots in my former high school back in my hometown, minus the countless motor bikes loitiering there.

All these familiar faces.. there’s no way he would also-

My train of thoughts abruptly stopped as his fair face and the bush of dark hair came into view.

And there was no mistaken for it. That moment that I spotted him from afar, I swiftly averted my eyes as I made my way to him, pretending that I hadn’t seen him yet. Under this pretence, I felt nervous-but-genuinely excited for the nostalgia vibe fluttering in my chest when I momentarily distracted myself with several familiar faces as I glanced away from him.

But I knew that I couldn’t keep doing this..

and that I had to look at him again in the end.

The idea that I am now a student of a prestigious university popped up in my mind as I was thinking of being in the re-introduction phase with him, along with the memory of my mom telling me that my bum and thighs are getting fatter this morning.

The latter kind of made me worried and I couldn’t help looking at myself as I walked.

Anyway, how would it be like to be in a reunion with him?

The past shall be the past, right?

But as I laid my eyes on him again and past a fleeting moment of meeting his brown orbs once again, he wasted no time to break the gaze, looking nonchalant and walked away.

It was as if he never knew me in the first place.

It felt weird when I found an empty space at the spot where he had been. And I remembered having no idea on how to fathom all of the things that were going on – the situation, my mind, and my faltering smile as he was walking away.

One thing for sure is I did feel devastated in the dream. It was really a breakdown. I felt so betrayed and God knew I tried my best to let it past because he has nothing to do with my life anymore..

..and this was just a very very sick dream.

But droplets of tears were still streaming down my face and even though it was just a dream, my chest felt so hurt. I gasped to breathe yet I felt as if I was getting choked even more.

Now that I have woken up and am typing all of this down, the outcome still comes as a surprise to me and I keep wondering why I had this dream after so long – not the first time I have asked myself this. I do not remember any previous events that would trigger memories of him.

Amusingly, I am still asking myself about how I looked in his eyes at that time and to be honest, I am weirded out from how desperate I want to know the answer.

 

 

Damn it, I am going back to sleep and I am going to wake up to nice fluffy pancakes as well as a cup of cereal with my favourite series playing on TV.

It doesn’t matter anyway.

 

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source: invicem

 

 

 

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